Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
