WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
