ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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