My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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