Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
