Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
