I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
