A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
