Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
