I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
