I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
