I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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