Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
