Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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