I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
