I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
