Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
