I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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