awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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