yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
