Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
