I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think my moral compass just broke
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
