Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
