Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
