Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
