My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Bring me that man meat
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
