if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
