My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
