ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
