Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
