um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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