I'm eating all of the evidence.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
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