my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
