this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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