allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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