Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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