everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
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