I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
