Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
