mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
