Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
