My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
