I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
