I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
