why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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