oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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