Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
