i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
