if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
