yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
